Awkward and upward

This post is dedicated to an amazing group of 5 friends (they know who they are) who helped me brainstorm the idea over brunch.  You guys are gourdgeous.

I'm talkin' elevators today...as in, those surreal moments experienced after one pushes that round button and steps into Otis' world.  Otis must be incredibly wealthy...he probably has his own glass elevator like Willy Wonka...flying all over the galaxy, connecting floors from here to Saturn.  What an incredible man.

I typically try to be a cheerful elevator passenger...giving the occasional smile or half-grin to the strangers who are sharing my elevatory experience.  Most rides are pretty un-noteworthy...you get on, press the button, rock out to some piano jingle and then go your merry way.  In most cases, these "smooth" rides generally only include one or maybe two other passengers.  When passenger numbers increase, however, things get weird. 

I'm talking about that awkward moment when you get on and everybody's secured their space along the compartment walls, leaving you only room in the center.  You glance nervously left and right, maybe do an awkward shuffle before being forced to settle into your uncomfortable fate of standing center-stage while the other passengers menacingly flank you...creating an almost pit-fight-like atmosphere.  You're vulnerable...a dismounted bull rider searching for refuge from the impending gorge.  But there's nowhere to hide, you gaze nervously ahead while the floors beep away and the others plan your violent demise.  What're they thinking?  What will I do when someone wants to get off?  Do I get out completely or just move to the side?  Did that guy have vampire teeth? 

If you're lucky, you get one of those elevators with the TV...you know, the ones with the Captivate network?  I wonder if Otis runs that, as well.  It's kind of a sinister name, "Captivate".  It's like, hey we've got you now...watch our factoids for 30 seconds while we implant your brain with subliminal persuasions:

altitudinous: (adj.) being at a high level.  "The altitudonous structure could only be scaled by the Otis X1500."

They should just change the name from Captivate to "Mind Worm."  Tell it like it is, Mr. Otis...like it is. 

May the wind be always at your back,

   

    

 

Comments

[Scott]

Great Funnel tonight. You're the man Guster.

[Nan]

Alexander Miles patented an electric elevator (U.S. pat#371,207) on October 11, 1887. The human head weighs 8 lbs.